Who's The Mother?

96% of the time, in writing or in person, my goal is to be as amusing and/or sarcastic as possible.

But there is no way to find humor in this.

Anytime I think I am a crap stepmother to Jason and Sarah (which is 98% of the time), I have only to be reminded of their biological mom's habits.

She is, shall we say, not the responsible type.

As I write this we are again in the dark as to whether or not she will see the kids this weekend -- even though she is the one who prompted the get-together.

Recently it had seemed she was getting better with not making false promises. She can be famous for "I'll call you soon. I have a birthday present for you." and then finally finding time 3 months later with only a card in hand.

But over the past few months, although she was never less than two hours late to pick them up, she eventually showed for arranged meetings.

In fact, when she said she had money this year for Christmas gifts we were pleasantly surprised. For the first time since I joined the family, we didn't buy gifts for the kids and put her name on it. (It was just too sad to think the kids would have nothing that was supposedly from their mom.)

Two weeks out from Halloween she told the kids she'd be coming over to take them trick-or-treating. Since Thomas was only a month old at the time, this was perfect for me. I really didn't want the kids running around the neighborhood by themselves. I can totally see Sarah running off into the street without a glance in any direction other than towards the candy.

As Halloween came closer, we kept trying to get their mom on the phone to find out when she would arrive and if she was taking them to her place (a rented room) for the weekend.
Her pay-as-you-go phone was disconnected. Again.
So we waited, assuming she would realize that the kids were anxiously wondering what time she'd arrive on Halloween.

No phone calls.

About 2 days before Halloween we managed to call around enough to get the main number for the house where she rents a room -- in the hope the owner would get a message to her.

Still nothing.
The day before Halloween she calls: She'll be here around 5:30.
Halloween day.
It is 5:30.
We wait.

Knowing she is never on time, I am not thinking much of it... but know it will be getting dark and trick-or-treating will be starting soon.
I tell Sarah she can call her mom to check.
No answer.
6:00.
6:30.
Another phone call made.
No answer.
7:00.
Finally I tell them to call friends, make a pack, and travel together around the neighborhood.
So off they go.

When they come back, the kids are still wondering if they are going to go stay overnight at mommy's house.
They call again.
No answer.
About 9:30ish the phone rings.
It isn't their mom.
It is a friend of their mom's.
"Sorry... she can't come." he says.

That is it.
The entire message.
Nothing more.

Jason is about in tears, but trying to hide it. Sarah just hangs her head and takes her packed overnight bag back downstairs.

I am PISSED.
I call my husband (who is at work) and rant.
We are both so globally pissed that we decide to take the kids to Dave & Busters the next day.

The next day, she calls.
"Sorry, she says. I was sick."
She then talks and tries to make nice with them.
"SHE WAS SICK!!!" Jason spouted happily after the call -- thrilled to have any reasonable-sounding explanation.
"Sick, my ass." I tell my husband later. "More like she went to a Halloween party and got wasted."
He agreed the scenario was more probable than anything else.
If she was sick, he said, she would have known at least a couple hours in advance of the pick up time. And, she could have called herself.

[Deep breath. Two months later this still pisses me off.]

Ok.
Moving on.

She was supposed to then pick them up a couple days after Christmas and spend several days with them.
All week up to Christmas Sarah would spontaneously say: "I can't wait to go to mommy's house after Christmas."

She spends a week leading them on... "I'll pick you up over the weekend." then... "I'll pick you up Monday or Tuesday..." then... "I'll get you Tuesday or Wednesday..."
By the "Tuesday or Wednesday" answer (which came on Tuesday) I was, again, thoroughly pissed.
And I did what I should not have done, and bitched about her in front of the kids.
When Jason got off the phone and told us the newest timetable, I grunted angrily.
"What?" Sarah said.
"I am just so tired of your mom leading you on like this" I ranted "I am tired of her letting you down."
"She isn't letting us down!" Sarah defended, "She is going to come get us!"

But I knew better.
I knew this scenario was not going to end well.

History told me that they would get a call (if they were lucky) on about Friday saying "Sorry, I can't come after all." and that would be that.
But after Sarah's defense of her mom, one could only hope she would be right.
After all, how in the world do you sit a child down (again) and explain to them they need to learn not to count on their own mother?
(Past occurrences by her go overlooked by them. Every explanation is accepted.)

On about Wednesday (New Year's Eve) morning, the timetable was now "Thursday or Friday" and the kids were continuing to plan what to pack and were doing laundry to take with them. During the "Thursday or Friday" call they excited discussed with her what video games they might play, and what board games to bring.
"I'll call you later to tell you when." their mom says.

Sarah, knowing her mom's tendency to not call, said "Well what time can we call you if you don't call first??" 7:00pm that night, she said.

When the kids were out of earshot I turned to my husband: "Call her back right now and tell her to make a f***ing decision and stop leading them on!!"
But he didn't. He is not the confrontational type. And I guess having to deal with her means having to pick battles.
And I can't do it, because who knows what stuff she would start to say to them about me. She has true power to damage the relationship we have and are still working at.

So all day the kids again waited for a phone call telling them when their mom would pick them up... with the next day being a possibility.
7:00 came.
No call.
Sarah calls.
No answer.
Many more phone calls are made throughout the night, with no answer.
Finally, at about 11:30pm on New Year's Eve, they call again and she picks up. "We called to say Happy New Year and find out when you are coming to get us."
I then overhear the rest of the conversation:
(Quiet voices) "Oh..... uh huh..... yeah..... oh... ok... yeah... yeah.... yeah.... uh huh..."
I knew what it meant.
And I was ready to explode.
She wasn't coming.
She was "sick" again.
Of course this time, "sick" probably meant she was planning to get trashed that night and would be too hungover to deal with them the next day. And, I theorize (cause I am nasty and bitter this way) that the lack of decision phone calls was her waiting to see if she was going to be invited to a party.

And now... here we are again.
After the post-Christmas let-down she then called and said "How about if I get them NEXT weekend."
My husband said OK, as long as she told us exactly WHEN she would get them, and exactly WHEN she was bringing them back. (As opposed to her usual answer of "Sometime in the afternoon" or "Before bedtime."
All week long she has promised this.
Yesterday morning my husband called to find out when they'd be picked up.
She said she would call back.
Today, my husband tries to get her on the phone again.
No answer.
He tries a couple hours later... into the evening.
No answer.(Any of this sound familiar?)
And, here it is 2:30am into the day they are supposed to be picked up, and we have no idea what time she might come by, or indeed, if another excuse is in the works.

There are other events the kids could participate in tomorrow night and over the weekend, but we can't RSVP without saying "Well, we don't know... they MIGHT be at their mom's."

I told my husband that if she called tomorrow and said "I'll be there in an hour" that we should say "Sorry... but we asked you for a time and you never got back to us. We tried to call and got no answer -- so the kids made other plans."
If she then dares to complain, we can easily bring up the last two times she said she was going to pick them up, and never showed.
Which, knowing her, will involve "But that wasn't my fault." excuses.

Hmmmm.
I got pretty bitter re-hashing all this.
In fact I want my husband to agree with me RIGHT NOW that we should tell her "Sorry, they made other plans."

But, their mom is their mom and they are always going to want to see her.
And she isn't going to change.

But it again makes me wonder: Who is really a mom, here?
The one who they often "hate" because it feels like she is constantly yelling at them to clean up their messes and do homework? (aka me)
Or
The one who can't be depended on -- but whom they worship?

I know I need to be a better mom to them.
I know it.
Some of their habits (created and ingrained from the time when she had custody) just make me I-N-S-A-N-E. And I sometimes pop.
But surely I have to be better for them than her?
Right?

The postscript to all this might be the saddest part:
Even though the kids excitedly chatted and packed for previously planned visits, this week they haven't said a word.
They haven't mentioned going to visit her.
They haven't talked about what to take.
They haven't asked to call her.
They haven't packed a bag.